Transcendental Tuesday.

This morning’s run was SO MUCH BETTER than Saturday’s, I very nearly cried with relief.

Whatever I did to piss off the running gods, let’s hope I don’t do it again in the next 11 days.

Frick.

11 DAYS.

Eek.

_______________________

So yeah, okay, there MIGHT be a touch of putting-a-little-too-much-pressure-on-myself with this marathon thing

(You know, just a little.)

It’s just so BIG – this idea of running a marathon.

Because 11 years ago I decided that I was going to run the Mayor’s Midnight Sun Marathon in Anchorage, AK. I’m not sure what prompted me to decide that was my thing, given that I had never actually run before, but whatever. I was going to do it.

I think I managed 4 miles all at once, on a treadmill, before I succumbed to shin splints from ill-fitting shoes.

And that was the end of that.

What happened, though, was that “Run a Marathon” went onto a List.

In fact, it became the FIRST thing on my “Things I Need To Do Before I Die” list.

A winter of loss and emotional darkness last year made me realize that my time on this earth is actually FINITE.

It scares me a little, this realization. Not only am I not here forever, but in some inexplicable fashion, time has snapped me FORWARD, surging past me. 15 years has passed since I was in college, and it feels like it was only 5 years ago.

So yeah. This marathon is more than just a marathon to me.

It’s a big EFF YOU to Time and Loss and Death.

It’s proving that there are SOME things in this life where it’s still true that if I work hard, I will succeed.

It’s proving to myself.

I am strong.

I am capable.

So yeah, I overreacted and worried a bit too much about a bad run. And maybe my expectations are just a little too high for myself.

So here it is.

My goal for this race is to finish strong.

I don’t care if I walk. I have a time in mind for where I’d LIKE to be at the finish, but if I don’t manage that, I’ll be okay.

Either way? In 11 days, I’ll get to see what I’m made of.

 

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3 comments on “Transcendental Tuesday.

  1. J says:

    I already know what you are made of and its FAR more than you will ever give yourself credit for. I cant wait for you to see it for yourself!

  2. Kate says:

    I totally get this…as a perfectionist…I think that I try to make the aspects of my life that I *can* control perfect and am really hard on myself when I don’t live up to my expectations. This way of thinking, though, doesn’t acknowledge the effort and while I may not be the best at XYZ, I worked hard and I should be proud of that effort.

    Regardless of the shape you are in when you finish the marathon, you will still have completed a marathon. An epic distance. Makes me reach for another Ghiradelli chocolate just thinking about it. Heh heh.

  3. Esperanza says:

    I’m so glad you had a better run! Yay! I meant to comment on your last post but time got away from me. I wanted to say that don’t freak out too bad about hitting a wall. I think it’s very normal for that to happen around two weeks before your big run. That is why the mileage starts getting shorter right before the big run, so your body can heal itself and you’ll be in amazing shape and in a great head space for the big run.

    I also want to say, YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.

    You ran TWENTY MILES BY YOURSELF! Do you know how hard that is? Running 26.2 with a whole bunch of people on a supported course will be so easy after that. There is so much energy and positivity when you run a marathon, 20 miles by yourself is WAY HARDER. So don’t worry so much. When I trained for my marathon the longest I ever ran was 18 and I felt great for my 26.2. There were hard moments to be sure but it was a good run.

    You want to know what is the hardest part of a marathon? TRAINING FOR ONE. It’s the long miles you log by yourself. You’ve done that. You’re ready.

    You’re going to do great.

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